Unsure
by ashleymac
Summary: Just Haley thinking about her relationship with Brooke. It's femslash. Well kinda. Was a one shot that turned into more.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so here I am with a story. At this point in time it is meant to be a one shot. So I hope you enjoy. Please let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters. **

_It's wrong. It isn't how things are supposed to be. _Isn't it amazing how things that you are taught when you are eight years old stick with you all your life? The worst part is these lessons you're taught are meant to make your life easier but for me, right now, they're making my life a living hell.

Brooke, she's my life. She has been for about a year now. We started dating at the end of our junior year. It was great and exciting and scary all at the same time. We had only been friends for a few months but there was something there. A connection I guess you could call it. Yeah I know everyone says they have a "connection" with someone but I'm not making this up. It was like she was this missing part of me. Like anytime we weren't together or weren't on the phone I felt incomplete. So I guess you can say I fell in love with her before I had ever even held her hand. _Lust. You fell in lust with her_.

Things were great up until two months ago. I'm not really even that sure what happened. It's not like I didn't know all along that being with her was "wrong" but it never used to bother me. It wasn't something I thought about because she was it for me. It was just she and I against the world. But two months ago that changed.

It was a Tuesday night. I was home alone watching American Idol. Brooke was somewhere hanging with Peyton. It was that night that I realized: something was missing. I didn't know what it was but I felt like I did before Brooke became my other half. I did my best to push the feeling aside. I told myself that I was just missing Brooke. I mean honestly what other explanation could there be?

As time went on the void got bigger. I did everything I could to fix what I thought was happening. I spent more time with Brooke, then I spent less time with her. I told her we should try some new stuff so we wouldn't get stuck in the same routine. Nothing worked. When we kissed, I felt nothing. Well not exactly nothing. I still loved the girl but I didn't enjoy it the way I had before. _It's wrong._ Those words kept playing over and over in my mind. I couldn't escape them.

Finally my conscious was catching up with me. The things that I had pushed aside and ignored for so many months began to haunt me and it was ruining my relationship with the girl I loved. So I did what any person would do that was trying to ease their conscious; I went to church. After months no wait years of not going, I decided to go back. Brooke thought I was crazy of course, but she didn't know the whole reason I was going back. I just told her that I missed it. I know I lied but if I had told her the truth then she would have freaked out. And let me be the first to tell you that a freaked out Brooke is not a fun Brooke to be around.

Anyway I sat in service that first Sunday feeling totally at peace for the first time in what seemed like forever. As I walked out of church that day I thought that I had settled my problem. I felt better about me and I thought that would help my relationship with Brooke. I couldn't have been more wrong. As time went on, I started pulling away unintentionally. My conscious still wouldn't shut up.

Now before you start blaming going to church on the whole mess I find myself in now, don't. Not once did anyone make me feel like I was wrong in anyway, shape, or form. I just felt . . . empty. I know I know I sound like a crazy person. There's no explanation for this. I started to feel so overwhelmed by everything. Brooke tried to help. She could tell something was going on but I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her. She wouldn't understand. She didn't grow up in church. She doesn't have the background that I do. There's no way I could have even begun to explain it to her.

We were falling apart and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it. It was killing her to watch us fall apart like that. I didn't want to do this to her. I can't stand hurting her. I love her.

It doesn't matter if I want to do this to her or not. It doesn't matter if I like hurting her or not, I am. The only thing I can do about it is: stop. I have to stop. I won't be the one to break her, even though I am. I'm breaking her. I could see it in her eyes when I talked to her yesterday. The spark was gone. She could see the end coming and I think that it was starting to be too much for her. I couldn't take seeing her like that, so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I broke up with her.

It was stupid. Now the void that I was feeling is twice as big. The haunting thoughts are gone and now I'm empty again. I feel like I broke my own heart. I mean really that's what I did. I shouldn't have let things get to this point. I should have talked to her . . . explained how I was feeling. But I didn't and now I miss her more than anything.

Why the drastic change in feelings? I can't really explain. Maybe it's the old saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone." I don't think that's it, though, because I knew what I had with Brooke before I messed it up. I knew she was a God send. So why did I all the sudden think that He wanted me to get as far away from her as possible? I have no clue. I heard a song earlier today and I think that it is the reason that I feel differently now. "It seems like I always fall short of being worthy, cuz I ain't good enough but He still loves me." That line in that song, touched me in a way that nothing has before. It has made me see that no matter what He will always love me. I don't have to worry about being perfect.

Maybe I should go see Brooke.

**I hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think. Thanks. )**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is in Brooke's POV. You could have probably figured that one out but I just thought I'd tell you. It's talking about the same time frame that chapter 1 was.**

I should have seen it coming. I should have some how known. She has been pulling away from me over the past few weeks. But I honestly thought she was just having one of her 'Haley' moments that she has at times. I guess this time was different.

She stood in front of me with a lost look in her eyes. I hated when she looked like that because it could only mean one of two things: either she was about to tell me something she didn't want to or her life was falling apart. I hate both things but in the pit of my heart I was hoping for the latter. Selfish, I know, but at least with that I'm sure that she'll cling to me and let me help her.

"Brooke, I . . . " she started then stopped. This was hard for her, and I could see it. "I can't do this any more."

"You what?" I asked in disbelief. This could not be happening to us. There was no sane reason for it.

"This," she said using her right hand to gesture between the two of us, "us. Being together, I just can't do it." Tears were falling down her face and were threatening to pour out of mine.

"What? Why?" I asked walking toward her, reaching out to wipe the tears away with the pad of my thumb.

"Because, it's wr.." she started to say and then stopped. I knew what was coming. I knew that it was the same thing as when we first started dating. _It's wrong._ She would say every other week.

"It's what Haley?" I asked knowingly.

"It's nothing. I just can't. That's all." She said looking me directly in the eyes. "I should go."

"What?" I wanted to stop her. To talk sense into her just like I had time and time before, but she was gone before I got the chance. She had turned and ran out of my door like a fox running from a hound dog.

I haven't heard from her since. That was yesterday. She has never let it last this long. Sure before it would last 9 hours at the most but she would always come back. Always tell me that whatever it was wasn't as important as us.

I never fully understood what her issue was. So what society says that two women together is wrong. Big deal. Who cares what other people think, right? As long as you love someone that's all that matters. I love her she loves me. That should be enough. But why does it seem that for her it isn't? Why is she so scared of what people think?

When she comes back, like she always does, I'll be sure to reassure her. I'll make her understand that I will never let anything bad happen to her. I love her too much to let that happen.

But...

_What if she doesn't come back this time?_

**Ok I know this was short and it probably sucks majorly. But this has to be part of it before I can write chapter 3. So yes. If it sucks I'm sorry. I promise that the next part will be less sucky.**


	3. Chapter 3

Haley walked to Brooke's house to give her more time to sort out her thoughts and plan exactly what she wanted to say. She was still trying to decide _if_ she actually wanted to say anything when she found herself at Brooke's front door.

Haley took a deep breath before she knocked. _Lord help me._ She thought as Brooke opened the door.

"Hi," Brooke said with a smile. It was _that_ smile and _that_ voice that made everything so much harder for Haley.

"Hey," she said returning the smile. "How are you?" She asked as Brooke moved to the side to let her in.

"I'd be better if yesterday didn't happen," Brooke said flashing Haley her trademark smirk. "But other than that I'm well. You?"

"I'm good. Thanks." Haley said starting to get nervous again. "I um..I kinda needed to talk to you. Is that ok?"

"As long as you say you want me back, it is," Brooke said jokingly leading the way to her bedroom.

They were silent for five minutes after they got in the room. Haley walking around the room looking at old photos, and Brooke sitting on the bed watching her amused.

"So..." Brooke said getting up off the bed and walking up behind Haley wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her chin on the shorter girl's shoulder. "What ya looking at?"

Haley felt chills run down her spine as Brooke's warm breath hit her neck. "Just some old pictures of us."

"I loved that day," Brooke said pointing at a picture of the two of them at Six Flags.

"Yeah me, too." Haley said putting the picture back in it's spot.

"So what's going on Hales?" Brooke asked turning Haley around to face her. Haley looked her in the eyes searching for the words to say.

"I love you Brooke. You know that, right?" _Great Haley tell the girl you love her._

"Yeah I know. I love you too, baby." Brooke said with a huge smile on her face. _I knew she would come back_. Brooke thought triumphantly.

"I really care about you. And I would never do anything to hurt you. You're my soul mate for crying out loud." Haley said beginning to ramble.

"Hales calm down. I know all of that." Brooke said placing a light hand on Haley's cheek. "And I love you for it."

Haley gave Brooke a weak smile and took a deep breath. "We can't . . . I can't . . . we . . . I can't let us get back together Brooke. I can't keep doing this." Brooke stood looking at the girl utter shock shown on her face.

"Excuse me? You can't? Why not? You just said you love me . . . that we're _soul_ mates." Brooke paused long enough to breathe then continued. "What is it Haley? Are you scared of what people will think? News flash Haley . . . you cannot please everyone. Besides everyone we know already knows." Brooke moved so she was right in Haley's face. "Who cares what people think?"

"Brooke . . . " Haley said before being cut off again.

"You can't do this to yourself Hales. You can't do this to me. I won't let you. I won't let you ruin something great because you're afraid of people." Brooke said with her hands on Haley's shoulders.

"It's not about what _people_ think Brooke. I didn't care about that before and I don't care about that now."

"Then why? Why if you love me are you doing this?"

"I'm doing this because I love you Brooke." Brooke stood there looking confused. "You know what never mind."

"What the hell are you talking about? You know what? You stopped making since about," Brooke looked at her watch, "25 hours ago."

"Brooke when you love someone you do what's best for them in the long run. Not just what feels right at the moment."

"If you love someone why would you break up with them?" Brooke asked before thinking about what Haley had just said. A few seconds later it all clicked with her. "You've been going to church," Brooke said barely above a whisper.

"Huh?"

"You've been going to church. This is because it's "wrong," isn't it?" Brooke asked making air quotes around the word wrong.

"Don't say it like that Brooke."

"Damn it Haley! I can't believe you're doing this. How can you pick what's written in some old book hundreds of years ago over what we have?"

"It's not just some book Brooke. It's the Bible. It's what God said."

"Oh so God had a voice recorder and made the Bible? Wait I know the answer to that. NO! He didn't. It's a book. A book written by people. How can you just . . . how can you go by what some ancient guy wrote? It doesn't make sense Haley. It's a cop out if you ask me. You're hiding behind some words on a page of a book."

"You don't get it do you?" Haley snapped at Brooke, which neither of the girls expected. "It's not just words on a page. But YOU wouldn't get that. You've never tried to understand that." Brooke tried to interrupt just to be cut off by Haley. "No, it's my turn. You've never wanted to understand it. You've always wanted me to just forget it. To push my background and how I was raised to the back of my mind. And as much as I love you, as much as I wish I could do just that I can't. Because it's so so much deeper than just words on a page. It's something that can't really even be explained unless the person you're talking to has felt it too. It's a feeling. It's a knowing that's so much stronger than anything. It's something that just cannot be ignored, Brooke. You have to understand that if I could I would. I'd make it go away. I would fill that hole I get on the inside anytime I try and break away from what I know is right."

Brooke stood in silence trying to soak in everything that Haley had just said. Haley was right. She had never really asked or really tried to understand. But that wasn't the point. The point was that Haley was just hiding, hiding behind religion. "Didn't God say you're supposed to love people? How can love be wrong, Haley? How can something so strong and so true be wrong?"

"I don't know. I'm not saying that I can give you detailed answers and reasons for this. I can't. You don't understand how hard this is going to be for me. I want nothing more than to just be with you forever. To kiss you, to hold you, to know that you're mine. But I can't do that anymore. I have to end it."

"That's bull Haley and you know it. You don't know because loving someone isn't wrong. You're hiding behind religion because you're scared. You're hiding behind a religion something that was probably made up just to make people feel better about themselves. You're scared Haley and I can understand that. I'd do anything to show you that it's all going to be ok but you have to let me. You have to let me." Brooke said almost pleading. "Please just let me."

"I can't. I want to but I can't. I don't think you understand how much this kills me. I love you so much and so deep that sometimes it actually hurts to not be around you. It hurts to not hold you. To know that I'll have to see you around town with someone else. It hurts so bad right here," she said gesturing toward her heart. "But the bottom line is, I can't ignore the other just to fulfill the other." Brooke scoffed. "Yeah I know it seems like I'm doing just that. Ignoring you to fulfill this other. And maybe I am. But at the end of the day I'll know that I'm doing the right thing. I know you're getting tired of hearing that phrase. But Brooke, you don't get it. You've never been a church person. So you can't tell me that it isn't real. You've never felt what I've felt when I'm all alone and I know that He is there with me. You've never felt something like this. Something so real and so tangible but intangible at the same time. You can't tell me it's not real, Brooke, because I've felt it. You weren't there when I was younger and my parents were gone for weeks at a time. You did NOT feel what I felt when He wrapped His arms around me. I felt that Brooke." Haley said tears now running down her face.

"Haley . . . I. I love you Haley." That was it. That was all Brooke could manage to say.

"Enough to at least try and understand?"

"I'm already trying," Brooke said giving her a weak smile.

**Ok so there it is. I hope it didn't suck and I also hope I didn't offend anyone with it. I could or could not add more to this fic. That all depends on what you people want. So read and tell me what you think. I would really like to say that I wasn't trying to come down hard on people who have ever been on either side of this situation. Anyway any feedback would be great.**


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